Unloving You

Unloving You                    

There was a poem that I found by an artist called Sierra DeMulder her poem was called “Today Means Amen”. I loved it. I am such a fan of spoken word and the emotion trapped behind a single beings words. There was one part where she said “Do you remember the moment you realized they were watching? When you became ashamed of how much light you were holding? When you first learned how to unlove yourself?” That part made me realize time travel is possible. I traveled back to a time when I was about 5 maybe 6 tops. I was in Sunday school and this little girl was handing out candy to everyone and realized she had extra. She said tot eh teacher “Can I hand out the extras to my friends?” And the teacher said yes. That’s the first time I wondered if there was something wrong with me.  I remember her handing out pieces one by one and the hope that danced in my belly that she would stop at me and deem me enough to be a friend. But no I was not chosen.  You see I haven’t thought about that in years. And I am not exaggerating I haven’t thought of it since the day it happened. It’s been 20 years. You may think “Nikki that’s way too much thinking.” But honestly it took me a car ride to work to remember this. A car ride is no more than 5 miles. It’s amazing how something so little and so insignificant that can cause a wheel to start spinning. Can you remember when you “Learned to ulove yourself?” The next time was a bigger thing for me I was about8 and lightening had struck the tree out back and my best friend at the time was over to help clean up. And I remember thinking that how happy I as that he was my best friend and how I couldn’t love him more than that. I began to think if I could love any boy like that and I began to hate myself because in my world at that time that “Love” was wrong.

Now lets put on the breaks shall we? Yes as an 8 year old I remember these thoughts and I am not just saying this to make an emotional blog. 8 years olds are smart and thinkers. They have brain and emotions too and I remember that Nikki at 8 years old in her white shirt from VBS and worried that the dirt from the cornfield might get on my shirt from the struck tree. And I was raised Christian. And anyone who points their fingers at my parents and says they caused me to “Unlove” myself needs to have that finger broken. I made the choice to closet myself for 20 plus years and I chose to no read and study the scripture to see what it really says. No one forced me. I chose it and I chose to hide. My parents love me and love my wife.

Lets get back to the blog shall we? Oh yes I am 8 and dragging a huge piece of tree behind me deep in thought. So from then on I realized I was different and I saw how that was not normal. So I began to unlove myself and as I got older destroy my body. I was a cutter for a very long time. I have scars that paint across my arms to remind me of a battle I waged in my soul.

                Do you remember when you unloved yourself? When your beautiful dancing and singing became an annoyance to others? When you’re beautiful different became an ugly closet? I don’t care if you are gay or straight we all have our own closets to come out of. We all have that perceived ugly to mild back to the beauty it once was.

I remember when I began to love myself again. I was out on my own laying in my bed after my work place burnt down and I said to myself “Nikki you might be gay.” And then I prayed that lie away. It was a very long journey to accept my sexual orientation.  And even longer journey to accept my love for others. And a longer journey at that to accept my beautiful body. (still on that one by the way.)

Every time I come across someone different than I, I remind myself that they are fully aware of their difference.  I am sure that they have nights that eat them alive and the voices remind them constantly that they aren’t the same as me. But I hope to be the voice of celebration in their life that rejoices that they are different than I am. Celebrate that with those people in your life. Help them learn to love themselves. Don’t be that memory that helps them to unlove.            

I just got another tattoo that say  “NON OMINIUS MORIAR” It means not all of me shall die. I believe that we all leave an imprint in this world. Will yours be a slap in the face to those different, an ugly word of rejection to those who walk a different path, or will it be a soothing balm to the world that is so blistered but the burning hate inside humans? What will live beyond your years? Love?

You choose.

A time for everything....

    If you were raised in church you know the verses’ in the book of Ecclesiastes where it mentions that there is a time for everything. What isn’t explained is that the time for mourning and a time for rejoicing is at some times done simultaneously. As can anything noted in that passage. You see I feel like I am in the middle of almost everything mentioned right now.
    Have you ever seen a person on life support?  Try to follow me here guys, this will make sense I promise.  I have had the unfortunate opportunity to witness it. A part of you wants that person to just wake up and walk out of the room and things go back to what they were. And the other half just wants peace for the one laying there especially when you know it is their time. Relationships can be on life support too. And I find myself in a hospital room surrounded by people I wish would wake up and walk out and let things go on as they were. But a part of me know that its time to lean over kiss them goodbye and pull the plug. When you transition into any new chapter in life there are goodbyes involved. When you take a separate path they are immanent. When I came out I knew it would happen. But my heart can’t seem to catch up with my head and just accept it. I want to be selfish and have all these amazing people still in my life. Though some have blatantly chosen to allow a silent death to the relationship. Now I know I am not the sole victim in this I have laid to rest many relationships in my time I am not saying I am free of this judgment I am just as guilty. 
    But tonight I can’t sleep because I am sad. I feel like my heart is beginning to mourn my losses that surround me: that are dead on the machine in my heart called false hope but these people are far from dead. I see them daily walking in Target or walking anywhere in this town. Its hard to let go when that person is in front of you and you see life in them but no life in the friendship.
    We all want what we can’t have. I have known a couple for 11 years and I know this is one that has no life anymore. They have straight up told me that they have to keep a distance to protect their children from my lifestyle. I don’t see whom I love being a lifestyle but who I am as a person it is me one in the same. But I respect their wishes. However, it doesn’t stop my soul from shattering when these people were apart of my life for over a decade. You may be saying “Nikki! Stop being so negative! They still love you!” Oh my dear, don’t you see I do not doubt their love. I never have. But I can’t seem to turn a blind eye to distance and to a story that has turned it’s last page.
    You see you may think “Well it is your choice that drove the relationship to this. Or maybe my choice to come out.” Yes it was a choice to come out and be happy. But I didn’t choose to be gay. If I was presented with the choice to be straight when God created me I would have chosen the straight card. You may think “That’s terrible what would your wife think?” We have both mentioned the same thing. Sometimes I don’t like being Gay. Because its who I am and imbedded in me. And that thing alone cause distance between people and myself. I don’t like to be the cause of some one needing to protect their kids.
It makes me feel like a disease.  I miss my old friends….and yet I rejoice the new ones who have no distance. I know its time to let go and close these doors. But how do I mourn a person who stands in front of me? How do I erase this lump in my throat when I have nothing but good memories? And why is it so hard to finally be myself? Why does that require more heartache?
    It’s midnight and I have to work in 5 hours.  Writing helps me sleep sometimes.
   

Without eachother

I question where the darkness goes
 when the light rises and gently brushes
 the corners of black with its lips
 as if it were almost a dream
And I often wonder where the light retreats
 when the darkness prevails and reigns
 for its moment in life as it were a sharp fatal wound
And I constantly ponder the moment
 so small and insignificant to some the very moment
where they share the vast expanse
 knowing one could simply not exist without the other.

Words.....

    Words… there are 27 letters in the alphabet and all 27 are used daily. There isn’t a day that I don’t use them. Well maybe not “Q” so much because that “U” has to follow and I honestly don’t know to many “Q” words and maybe “X“ and now that I think of it “Z“. Ok so there is like 24 letters in MY alphabet. However, I love words. I love how words can form sentences and how those create a story, a poem, a song, or a letter to a loved one.  Without words we would live in a very silent world. Now, I have nothing against silence. I believe that it is needed and at times I crave it. Silence shows growth and peace. I believe a good dose of both will be good for everyone.
    An old friend of mine used to have a joke “Don’t let your words be idle so shut up!” I’m pretty sure there is a verse in the Bible about idle words but that’s what my friend and I took away from it. If the words are not helping the situation and they are meaningless shut yo trap! I have seen where when myself or someone else just uses words to fill an emptiness or to prove a pointless point. However, on the opposite I have seen silence scream when words were the only savior. I can’t tell you the sleepless nights I have when I know and replay situations in my head of when I should have shut up or spoke up. Sometimes the guilt is so extreme that I don’t sleep a wink. And a sleepy Nikki is not a pretty Nikki. Just ask my wife.
    I was reading I heart breaking article about a 12 year old boy who is on life support after attempting suicide. He was being incessantly bullied. Do you know why he was bullied? He like My Little Pony.  He was called “Gay” and “Girly”. I believe his family would rather have My Little Pony playing in the background rather than the beep of a life support machine to keep their sons heart and lungs working.
He was called names. Nasty words that shouldn’t even be considered an insult but as society we have given them a negative connotation. That being “Gay” or “Girly” make you weak and less than.  Words that should have no negative impact drastically changed his life and the life of his family.  I hope and pray for a miracle so that this little boy can go watch his favorite show.
    Do you see what we have done? I am not innocent in this situation either. And I plead for forgiveness if my words have destroyed anything in anyone ever.  We create life and death out of 27 letters. And those 27 letters depending on how you use them can cause so many different outcomes. 
    I remember growing up I would always fly off the handle especially at my family members. My mom showed me a Bible verse  that says “ A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Its from Proverbs 15:1. And though I still struggled with my words and how I used them I remember to this day that moment in my life and it has made me a better person. How do you use your words? Do they spring life and hope in others? Or do they destroy hope?
    I have a confession to make and it a story how negative words affected my heart.  I went to a pastor at one time and told him of my plan on how to become a missionary. (Which was a dream at one point that I have left in Gods hands). After spilling my soul to this person he looked at me and said “Don’t you have a lot of issues that wouldn’t make you right for this?” I admit I have had many issues. At that time I did have a few but most of the major ones in the “Churches eyes” were dealt with. He went on to explain that the church wouldn’t support someone like me. (I hadn’t even come out yet!! I cant imagine if that was on the table at the time.) So I dropped it. I haven’t revisited that dream in long time. And not that my homosexuality is on the table I know it makes it harder to happen. Do you know what I came out of that situation with? That I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t like the rest and no one would want someone like me representing them or a church.
    Now here is a positive experience with words (Is it sad that I have a difficult time finding one? I am trying not to use one from my wife because she compliments me all the time) Ok, a few days ago I came into work and a co-worker said “I was wondering where you were it was quiet!! You bring such life and joy to this place.” That made my day. I didn’t feel like a loudmouth and a mess up. I felt like I had a purpose even if was to make others smile. Which is one of my favorite purposes.  It’s hard to find the positive in all the negative we hear isn’t it?
    I have a  terrible habit of even calling myself names. Now I strongly dislike when people use the word “Fag” “Homo” or Dyke” however I use it for myself all the time. And a friend once asked me “Why can’t I use it when you say it all the time?” and I explained how If I use it toward myself more often it doesn’t hurt as much when someone is serious about it. Which is crap of course I still cry when someone uses it in a hurtful way. Speak of yourself highly and that’s how people will see you.
    When other speak listen with the intent to LISTEN. Not to respond. I hate being interrupted. If I am I will usually stop speaking because if you need to interject so badly clearly what I am saying has little importance in the conversation I am having.  So do not interrupt let silence be your voice at that moment. It shows you care and you love that person. Especially if its deep and means something to that other person. And even more important if that person is silent a lot. If they choose to speak listen. There is gold in the words of the silent.
    When a person says something that is dark about them don’t fly off the handle. They are telling you because they trust you and don’t need any more judgment. Don’t you think they have berated themselves enough? Listen and if they need or want a response ask if they want you to say something or give advice. Don’t just give it to them. Ask if that’s what they want. Most of the time they just need an ear to listen.
    Let your words bring forth life, inspiration and protection. Let your silence be strong and loving. But know when to use them and how. Never use those 27 beautiful letters to cause pain or to kill a dream. It is not easy to revive a spirit when words are the thing that caused it to flat-line. I think it’s easier to bring a heart back from a physical death than a death of soul caused by hate.  Choose little ones. And choose wisely because once that choice is made it can’t be undone or taken back. You have one chance but 27 words to define that chance. So be careful because the world is fragile and it takes years to heal but one word in one second spoken in anger can bring ruin.

Granny

So, it's been about a week since my last post....or at least I think so...I have no sense of time.

I GOT A HAIR CUT!!! All of you are like "Wow, shallow post Nikki". But wait! It's not really about my stupid hair it's about my grandma. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in December and just recently had a mastectomy.
    Now I have to step back here for a second. About 4 years ago my grandpa died of cancer and it was a tidal waves for emotions for us all. My grandma and grandpa were married for over 50 years. I stayed with my grandma for quite some time after that and visit her at least once a week now.
     We do a lot together. We cook, we fix things, we have torn down walls, we have cried together, chased mice from under her house together, dug holes and even been stranded a few time on main highways. Granny and I have done a lot and I do consider her one of my closest friends. So as you can imagine the news of cancer hit me like a freight train. Even sitting here puts a weight on my heart I can not put into words. I plan on seeing her tomorrow after work and after she gets her port put in for her Chemo treatments.

That's me and Grandpa.

 So as I did last time when grandpa had chemo I did it again this time. I shaved my head for Granny. I only did it last Friday and multiple people have stared and some people have hugged me or said "How brave I was." I like hugs so that is OK. However, I do not see myself as brave. I see Granny or any other person waking up everyday with a bad medical condition as brave.
    I see my grandma as almost a superhero because what defines you as a woman in a physical sense is slowly being stripped from her. And if I can share in some of her heart ache I will. Not because I want people to pat me on the back but I want people to learn that love isn't merely a word that you say; it is also an action.
    My grandma has shown me love without words many times. The time I remember the most is coming out to my grandma. We had just got done playing Skip-Bo, which she is a master at, and I said "Granny can I tell you something?" Now anyone who says that or hears that has to brace themselves. It is a very vulnerable phrase. And of course because I am rarely that serious I had her full attention. I remember saying "If you want me to leave after I tell you this I will." "Grandma I am gay, and I have a girlfriend." And of course granny said "Is that all you had to say??" I was silently crying and she took my hand and said "I always had a feeling that you were and that is OK." She hugged me and said "Thank you for telling me." And then we cooked dinner. The weight off my shoulders was nothing I could compare it to. She was one of the first people I came out to.
    She and I tackle many projects. Once we were cleaning out her side room and it turned into a demolition party. We took out one whole wall and pulled out all the stuffing a.k.a insulation. We were a mess and so stinky. But we laughed the whole time.

                                                                              

                                                                                   

We have had both of our cars breakdown numerous times. Hers twice on the side of the road and mine once because of brake failure. One time we waited for over 3 1/2 hours for a tow truck. Yes..I have pictures.                                                            

                                                   On the phone with AAA for the 4th time.

                                                                               

                         I remember crying with her on more than one occasion.  Watching home movies for the first time and hearing grandpa's voice and seeing him. We both sat there tears rolling down our face in a moment together that felt like it healed some of the hurt of the loss.

                                                                                     

We ran a 5k together. Well more like walked and jogged. She actually beat me. I am not proud of it but she certainly is.
                                                            This is us after the race.
                                                                         

    There is so much about my grandma I wish the world knew. She loves dancing and the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. She loves cards and anything she can win at. She isn't competitive at all....right.

She is awesome. She is strong. And no she doesn't know I shaved my head.

Love. Its the simplest word to say. Sometimes difficult to be the embodiment of, but always doable.

My grandma is that.

I just thought you should all know that about her. 

Chapter 1

My name is Nikki and in a few short days I will be turning 25. I have always wanted to write a letter to my younger self, so for my first post, I shall.

Dear Younger Nikki, (Don’t worry I won’t call you Heather because I know we hate that.)

Hey it’s me…well you…but older….like not too old but we do have grey hair at a young age but it’s, ok your wife thinks it’s cute. You may be thinking, “I’m married???”. Yes, we are. And an even bigger question is, “To a girl??” And yes, again, you smart cookie you! Don’t worry. I’ll explain everything. 

You are different Nikki and it’s ok to be so. Though we won’t find out that it’s ok for another 10 years or so. You look cool with your Donald Duck shirts and you look pretty cool when we dress goth too. But, this isn’t about your style though it rocks. It’s about something so much deeper. You are gay. I know we walk around the corn field and pray God will fix us. We try so hard to prove that we are not, but we are, Nikki. Like really, really gay. And it’s ok. Your parents still love you, your sister knew the whole time, and your brother is happy because you can go check out girls together. 

However, you won’t come out until you have walked through your own hell and back. It’s gets dark for a while, little one, and I am not just talking about your hair but your soul is shadowed for a while. Don’t try and do it on your own. Be open and real. You might begin to hate yourself and try and destroy your body in many different ways but people love you. Like a lot of people. You love God because your family instilled that into you and He becomes very real to you in your own experiences. As you grow older, your thoughts on homosexuality and your religious views clash in many different ways. You are going to struggle and when you get 25 you will still struggle. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no it’s not a train to smush you. So get some sleep and don’t cry about the difference you find in yourself and try to accept it.  Your wife is pretty cute too so good job!

You will lose people to death and life’s circumstances.  You will move a lot so many friendships will end just due to distance. You will also lose friends due to the distance in your heart. You will lose friendships you will regret and some will be like a weight off your shoulders when they disappear. You will miss a lot of them no matter how you lost them. But just remember, if you never say goodbye the word hello will never spill from your lips. 

It’s ok to cry too. No you won’t be as emotional as others but you have your own healthy way of dealing with it. 

You get to be an Aunt. There are 3 precious little ones who will love you and who will capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. You are a pretty cool aunt too so good job!

Your mom and dad are some of your best friends.  They love your wife and they have your back. Also you’re going to step on a light bulb soon and get glass stuck in your foot so be strong. Your mom has to carry you into the hospital but it’s ok she doesn’t mind. 

You are pretty good at guitar and some art. You might be a bit geeky but blame your mom and you are quite sarcastic…blame dad. But you do make a difference in people’s lives. People need you. And you need them too. You are enough and you are worthy. It’s ok that you like guy clothes…you feel pretty in them. Except guy pants won’t fit your hips (thanks mom) and that’s ok. But you look sexy as hell in a tie.  

You are going to be bullied. And you will bully some. You aren’t perfect though we like to think the opposite. But you aren’t cold hearted, you learn from your mistakes, and you grow. Don’t forget to ask for forgiveness and say you’re sorry when you do mess up. You will fight for the underdog and people will stand up for you. Not all the time though but when they do, it makes you feel pretty darn good. Just because some choose not to stand up for you doesn’t mean what the bully said was right; it just means fear is real. And everyone makes mistakes. 

People will look up to you though you look down on yourself. You’re gonna be a youth pastor for a while too. But it won’t end in rainbows and flowers but the kids still come to you as a big sister.  It’s ok because at that point in your life, you are going to be more free outside of a religious environment than inside one. You will find churches and then you will leave them. (Still looking for one). 

Not everyone is going to be thrilled that you are getting married to a woman. Sometimes things aren't going to go well for you at all. But the ones who stand by you.... keep them really close because you are going to need them.

You are going to end up in places you don’t want to be. Either in a job that is not a dream or abandoned on the side of the road with grandma when the car breaks down 2 times. Not just once. Help granny stay calm and don’t forget to laugh at the bad times. 

Well Nikki, this letter has been all over the place…however you get it. So it’s ok. 

Love yourself and love others. Remember words are the most powerful thing you have. And your wife is right…sometimes. 

Love you! 

The older more greyer you