A time for everything....

    If you were raised in church you know the verses’ in the book of Ecclesiastes where it mentions that there is a time for everything. What isn’t explained is that the time for mourning and a time for rejoicing is at some times done simultaneously. As can anything noted in that passage. You see I feel like I am in the middle of almost everything mentioned right now.
    Have you ever seen a person on life support?  Try to follow me here guys, this will make sense I promise.  I have had the unfortunate opportunity to witness it. A part of you wants that person to just wake up and walk out of the room and things go back to what they were. And the other half just wants peace for the one laying there especially when you know it is their time. Relationships can be on life support too. And I find myself in a hospital room surrounded by people I wish would wake up and walk out and let things go on as they were. But a part of me know that its time to lean over kiss them goodbye and pull the plug. When you transition into any new chapter in life there are goodbyes involved. When you take a separate path they are immanent. When I came out I knew it would happen. But my heart can’t seem to catch up with my head and just accept it. I want to be selfish and have all these amazing people still in my life. Though some have blatantly chosen to allow a silent death to the relationship. Now I know I am not the sole victim in this I have laid to rest many relationships in my time I am not saying I am free of this judgment I am just as guilty. 
    But tonight I can’t sleep because I am sad. I feel like my heart is beginning to mourn my losses that surround me: that are dead on the machine in my heart called false hope but these people are far from dead. I see them daily walking in Target or walking anywhere in this town. Its hard to let go when that person is in front of you and you see life in them but no life in the friendship.
    We all want what we can’t have. I have known a couple for 11 years and I know this is one that has no life anymore. They have straight up told me that they have to keep a distance to protect their children from my lifestyle. I don’t see whom I love being a lifestyle but who I am as a person it is me one in the same. But I respect their wishes. However, it doesn’t stop my soul from shattering when these people were apart of my life for over a decade. You may be saying “Nikki! Stop being so negative! They still love you!” Oh my dear, don’t you see I do not doubt their love. I never have. But I can’t seem to turn a blind eye to distance and to a story that has turned it’s last page.
    You see you may think “Well it is your choice that drove the relationship to this. Or maybe my choice to come out.” Yes it was a choice to come out and be happy. But I didn’t choose to be gay. If I was presented with the choice to be straight when God created me I would have chosen the straight card. You may think “That’s terrible what would your wife think?” We have both mentioned the same thing. Sometimes I don’t like being Gay. Because its who I am and imbedded in me. And that thing alone cause distance between people and myself. I don’t like to be the cause of some one needing to protect their kids.
It makes me feel like a disease.  I miss my old friends….and yet I rejoice the new ones who have no distance. I know its time to let go and close these doors. But how do I mourn a person who stands in front of me? How do I erase this lump in my throat when I have nothing but good memories? And why is it so hard to finally be myself? Why does that require more heartache?
    It’s midnight and I have to work in 5 hours.  Writing helps me sleep sometimes.