Granny

So, it's been about a week since my last post....or at least I think so...I have no sense of time.

I GOT A HAIR CUT!!! All of you are like "Wow, shallow post Nikki". But wait! It's not really about my stupid hair it's about my grandma. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in December and just recently had a mastectomy.
    Now I have to step back here for a second. About 4 years ago my grandpa died of cancer and it was a tidal waves for emotions for us all. My grandma and grandpa were married for over 50 years. I stayed with my grandma for quite some time after that and visit her at least once a week now.
     We do a lot together. We cook, we fix things, we have torn down walls, we have cried together, chased mice from under her house together, dug holes and even been stranded a few time on main highways. Granny and I have done a lot and I do consider her one of my closest friends. So as you can imagine the news of cancer hit me like a freight train. Even sitting here puts a weight on my heart I can not put into words. I plan on seeing her tomorrow after work and after she gets her port put in for her Chemo treatments.

That's me and Grandpa.

 So as I did last time when grandpa had chemo I did it again this time. I shaved my head for Granny. I only did it last Friday and multiple people have stared and some people have hugged me or said "How brave I was." I like hugs so that is OK. However, I do not see myself as brave. I see Granny or any other person waking up everyday with a bad medical condition as brave.
    I see my grandma as almost a superhero because what defines you as a woman in a physical sense is slowly being stripped from her. And if I can share in some of her heart ache I will. Not because I want people to pat me on the back but I want people to learn that love isn't merely a word that you say; it is also an action.
    My grandma has shown me love without words many times. The time I remember the most is coming out to my grandma. We had just got done playing Skip-Bo, which she is a master at, and I said "Granny can I tell you something?" Now anyone who says that or hears that has to brace themselves. It is a very vulnerable phrase. And of course because I am rarely that serious I had her full attention. I remember saying "If you want me to leave after I tell you this I will." "Grandma I am gay, and I have a girlfriend." And of course granny said "Is that all you had to say??" I was silently crying and she took my hand and said "I always had a feeling that you were and that is OK." She hugged me and said "Thank you for telling me." And then we cooked dinner. The weight off my shoulders was nothing I could compare it to. She was one of the first people I came out to.
    She and I tackle many projects. Once we were cleaning out her side room and it turned into a demolition party. We took out one whole wall and pulled out all the stuffing a.k.a insulation. We were a mess and so stinky. But we laughed the whole time.

                                                                              

                                                                                   

We have had both of our cars breakdown numerous times. Hers twice on the side of the road and mine once because of brake failure. One time we waited for over 3 1/2 hours for a tow truck. Yes..I have pictures.                                                            

                                                   On the phone with AAA for the 4th time.

                                                                               

                         I remember crying with her on more than one occasion.  Watching home movies for the first time and hearing grandpa's voice and seeing him. We both sat there tears rolling down our face in a moment together that felt like it healed some of the hurt of the loss.

                                                                                     

We ran a 5k together. Well more like walked and jogged. She actually beat me. I am not proud of it but she certainly is.
                                                            This is us after the race.
                                                                         

    There is so much about my grandma I wish the world knew. She loves dancing and the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. She loves cards and anything she can win at. She isn't competitive at all....right.

She is awesome. She is strong. And no she doesn't know I shaved my head.

Love. Its the simplest word to say. Sometimes difficult to be the embodiment of, but always doable.

My grandma is that.

I just thought you should all know that about her. 

Chapter 1

My name is Nikki and in a few short days I will be turning 25. I have always wanted to write a letter to my younger self, so for my first post, I shall.

Dear Younger Nikki, (Don’t worry I won’t call you Heather because I know we hate that.)

Hey it’s me…well you…but older….like not too old but we do have grey hair at a young age but it’s, ok your wife thinks it’s cute. You may be thinking, “I’m married???”. Yes, we are. And an even bigger question is, “To a girl??” And yes, again, you smart cookie you! Don’t worry. I’ll explain everything. 

You are different Nikki and it’s ok to be so. Though we won’t find out that it’s ok for another 10 years or so. You look cool with your Donald Duck shirts and you look pretty cool when we dress goth too. But, this isn’t about your style though it rocks. It’s about something so much deeper. You are gay. I know we walk around the corn field and pray God will fix us. We try so hard to prove that we are not, but we are, Nikki. Like really, really gay. And it’s ok. Your parents still love you, your sister knew the whole time, and your brother is happy because you can go check out girls together. 

However, you won’t come out until you have walked through your own hell and back. It’s gets dark for a while, little one, and I am not just talking about your hair but your soul is shadowed for a while. Don’t try and do it on your own. Be open and real. You might begin to hate yourself and try and destroy your body in many different ways but people love you. Like a lot of people. You love God because your family instilled that into you and He becomes very real to you in your own experiences. As you grow older, your thoughts on homosexuality and your religious views clash in many different ways. You are going to struggle and when you get 25 you will still struggle. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no it’s not a train to smush you. So get some sleep and don’t cry about the difference you find in yourself and try to accept it.  Your wife is pretty cute too so good job!

You will lose people to death and life’s circumstances.  You will move a lot so many friendships will end just due to distance. You will also lose friends due to the distance in your heart. You will lose friendships you will regret and some will be like a weight off your shoulders when they disappear. You will miss a lot of them no matter how you lost them. But just remember, if you never say goodbye the word hello will never spill from your lips. 

It’s ok to cry too. No you won’t be as emotional as others but you have your own healthy way of dealing with it. 

You get to be an Aunt. There are 3 precious little ones who will love you and who will capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. You are a pretty cool aunt too so good job!

Your mom and dad are some of your best friends.  They love your wife and they have your back. Also you’re going to step on a light bulb soon and get glass stuck in your foot so be strong. Your mom has to carry you into the hospital but it’s ok she doesn’t mind. 

You are pretty good at guitar and some art. You might be a bit geeky but blame your mom and you are quite sarcastic…blame dad. But you do make a difference in people’s lives. People need you. And you need them too. You are enough and you are worthy. It’s ok that you like guy clothes…you feel pretty in them. Except guy pants won’t fit your hips (thanks mom) and that’s ok. But you look sexy as hell in a tie.  

You are going to be bullied. And you will bully some. You aren’t perfect though we like to think the opposite. But you aren’t cold hearted, you learn from your mistakes, and you grow. Don’t forget to ask for forgiveness and say you’re sorry when you do mess up. You will fight for the underdog and people will stand up for you. Not all the time though but when they do, it makes you feel pretty darn good. Just because some choose not to stand up for you doesn’t mean what the bully said was right; it just means fear is real. And everyone makes mistakes. 

People will look up to you though you look down on yourself. You’re gonna be a youth pastor for a while too. But it won’t end in rainbows and flowers but the kids still come to you as a big sister.  It’s ok because at that point in your life, you are going to be more free outside of a religious environment than inside one. You will find churches and then you will leave them. (Still looking for one). 

Not everyone is going to be thrilled that you are getting married to a woman. Sometimes things aren't going to go well for you at all. But the ones who stand by you.... keep them really close because you are going to need them.

You are going to end up in places you don’t want to be. Either in a job that is not a dream or abandoned on the side of the road with grandma when the car breaks down 2 times. Not just once. Help granny stay calm and don’t forget to laugh at the bad times. 

Well Nikki, this letter has been all over the place…however you get it. So it’s ok. 

Love yourself and love others. Remember words are the most powerful thing you have. And your wife is right…sometimes. 

Love you! 

The older more greyer you